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mic podfic 2
School is still going crazy, and as always November is even more absurd than October. (Essay season always hits me hard, haha.) Thank you all so much for staying with me and being patient, lovelies -- you have no idea how much I appreciate it. :3 If you're ever wondering when I'm going to update next, I post status updates on my tumblr quite frequently.


Thank you so much for reading! <3


Title: "Until My Dying Breath" -- Chapter Six
Author: emilianadarling
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Vampire AU with all the unpleasantness that entails. Violence, bloodplay, blood drinking, sexualized violence, grotesque descriptions, dark setting, fear, minor past character death, minor dubious consent in sexual matters, intense dark emotions, brief contemplation of suicide. Warnings on a chapter by chapter basis.
Length: 17,000-ish for this chapter
Story Summary: On his way home from campus to his apartment on the Upper East Side, Blaine Anderson happens to come across a beautiful young man with bewitching blue eyes. It doesn’t take long, though, for everything Blaine thought was real to fall to pieces. For his world to dissolve into a twisted dance of fear and heat and blood.

Notes: Thank you so much for your patience, everyone! School is as absurd-busy as ever, but I'm trying my best to keep to a fairly consistent schedule. :) I hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think! (Also, my tumblr is here if you're interested! :3 I tend to post updates there about how chapters are progressing. :))





Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Epilogue



--


Frozen in place, Blaine’s heart feels as though it is stammering and stopping in his chest. Spluttering like a car that won’t come to life when the keys are turned in the ignition, the bookstore distorted and out of focus around him as he stands and stares and doesn’t comprehend. He can’t move; can’t run or hide or fight because his legs are numb and useless beneath him like wooden blocks, and his body is stark and deadened and useless. There is only static screeching in his mind, high and shrill and crackling, and he can’t make himself do anything at all. His own body is out of his control, and Blaine can’t think: can only gape uselessly at death as terror pulses under his skin.

The moment stretches on endlessly between them as Kurt continues to stand and stare right at him with that too-broad smile, eerie and elastic and grinning, still stretched across his lips. There is blood beginning to drip down from his clothes and onto the hardwood floors, a steady drip-drip-drip that echoes in the petrified silence.

And Blaine’s mind is torn, utterly torn between the two incomprehensible, impossible, nightmarish horrors in the room with him. Between Amita’s body in pieces behind him, everything that made her special and human and alive gone and only hunks of meat and bone left and Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt Kurt in front of him like a monstrous, grinning vision right out of one of the dreams. His mind flits uselessly back and forth like a frightened bird, unable to fixate on either one or comprehend both at once. His brain keeps flashing back and forth between Amita and Kurt and Amita and Kurt, between the two world-ending things in the room, the bottom falling out of his stomach like a lead weight and Blaine is going to die. He’s going to die here, helpless and screaming and torn apart like his friend and left on the ground in pieces, and all at once he can’t make himself move or think or feel beyond that singular, sickening knowledge.

The curtains.

With a hot burst, the thought comes from somewhere deep inside; far beneath the white noise and bleak panic on the surface of his mind. The two words are nonsensical, empty sounds without meaning: like something in a foreign language as they echo in his mind. The curtains, get to the curtains, the curtains

Without any truly conscious thought, Blaine’s whole body lurches forward toward the windows. Toward the tiny scrap of thin material that is the only thing holding back the torrent of sunlight outside form flooding in. It’s right there, so close, and if he can get to it before Kurt does –

But Blaine has only taken one step forward, breath caught in his throat and arm extended out towards his only hope when Kurt cocks his head to one side — and lets out a high, delighted chime of laughter.

“I’m faster than you are,” says Kurt quickly, blue eyes flashing briefly to the large window swathed in heavy curtains before they come back to settle on Blaine again. That sly smile still there on his face, stretching his expression into something impossibly distorted with pleasure and power. “Do you really think you could get there before I caught you, pretty?” Sculpted eyebrows rise delicately upwards, smirking and heated. “Do you really want to chance it?”

Almost before his body has properly moved, Blaine jolts back as though he has been electrocuted. He opens his mouth to speak before closing it again, stumbling back a step helplessly and not daring to take his eyes off Kurt for a second. Inside, his heart is hammering so forcefully that the feel of it shakes his body, and his hands are vibrating so hard that they’re twitching almost spasmodically at his sides. In front of him, Kurt is dragging his eyes up and down Blaine’s body as though he’s looking at a three-course meal, and the terror is so raw and unrestrained and real as it pounds through him that he can’t even attempt to speak.

Any words – begging, or crying, or screaming so hard the whole building could hear – all get stuck in his throat and refuse to leave. Lodged there like a physical presence, choking on all the words that won’t make any difference at all. Wild hysteria is bubbling and frothing inside of him, the whole world blurring and unfocused around the edges as the all-consuming knowledge of what is about to happen rips and echoes and shakes through him.

And even with all of the ways he’s been in contact with Kurt over these weeks – talking on the phone, through the door, the dreams the dreams the dreams – there is something so very, very different about seeing him in the flesh. A discordance with the world as Blaine stares at the physicality of him; so jarringly different in real life than he has been in the night behind Blaine’s eyelids. Sharper, more real, and so incomprehensible that for a second the world spins and Blaine thinks he might be about to pass out.

It doesn’t make any difference. You’re dead either way, he has you. You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead

In front of him, Kurt appears to be almost drunk at the sight of him: eyes roving up and down Blaine’s body and drinking in every miniscule reaction. But Blaine can’t censor himself; can’t try to put on a front and look brave, not now. He can hear his own breathing in his ears; weak and ragged and panicked, filling up the air around him with the sounds of blind terror.

And slowly, slowly, with that sick smile still spread across his face like a taunt, Kurt takes a purposeful step forward.

Instinctively, Blaine takes a shaky step back. To keep the space between them equidistant, even as his legs feel as though they might give out with every movement.

“How—” Blaine chokes out, high and frightened and more of a noise than an actual word. He swallows, heart stuttering in his chest and whole body vibrating with tremors, before trying again. He isn’t sure where the words are coming from, or why: as a way to prolong the inevitable, or try to find a way out, or simply because there isn’t any point in holding back any more. Not now. “How did you get in here, it’s daytime, you can’t –”

“Mmmm,” Kurt hums, low and deep and amused. “Of course you’re still concerned with the how of it, pretty, until the very end.” He licks his lips, catching a few drops of the splattered blood that have landed at the corner of his mouth, and Blaine has to fight not to retch as another horrible burst of realization of exactly whose blood that is shoots through him. “It was very easy. There’s an underground parking lot for this building, did you know that? Mostly for the residents in the top floors. I broke in while it was dark out, came up here, closed all the curtains and waited. It’s just a shop, not a residence, silly thing. I hardly need permission to enter a public space, now, do I?”

He takes another purposeful step forward, and Blaine stumbles back another step. He almost missteps and falls, but manages to just barely keep his footing.

“Why?” asks Blaine, quiet and shaky and disbelieving. The guilt that floods his mouth is like sickness, bitter and vile. “Why would you –” The image of the ripped off arm flashes across his mind, torn away and draining on the ground and pieces now, she’s just pieces. “You didn’t have to –”

“Of course I did,” Kurt snaps bitterly, and for a second his smile falters. Changes into something serious and convicted, eyes growing dark and slightly narrowed. “She was poking her nose into our business, wasn’t she? I told you I would kill anyone you brought into this, Blaine, but you didn’t listen. You never listen. I had to show you that I take my promises seriously.” He shakes his head, dismissing the momentary seriousness and letting out a small laugh. “Besides. As much as I’ve enjoyed playing this little game with you, beautiful, it was getting a bit tedious, don’t you think? And you were actually starting to think you had a chance of winning. It was getting cruel, watching you think you had a chance.”

Everything is upside down, whirling spinning wrong. Because Kurt... Kurt had known. Had been aware of everything for God knows how long, and every single thing Blaine thought was fact has suddenly dissolved into illusion. All of the secrecy with which their meetings had been conducted, making sure to do it far away to keep them safe and being careful, so careful... Kurt had be aware of them the whole time.

That day when Blaine had asked about Kurt’s past, had worried about giving the game away – Kurt hadn’t been angry because Kurt had already known.

“How?” asks Blaine, voice small and unable to even finish asking the question, but the look of disdain that steals across Kurt’s face lets him know that Kurt understands. How did you know about what we were planning? How did you know where to find her?

Please,” says Kurt dismissively, contempt dripping from every syllable. “I could track down your scent halfway across the world, Blaine. Did you really think it would be a challenge to track this place down? Every inch of it stinks of you.” He rolls his eyes delicately, scoffing. “I’ve known about this pathetic little attempt at playing hunters since practically the very first moment. Now, I’ve had a fun time chasing you, Blaine, but there are a million ways I could have got my hands on you. You do know that, right?”

He takes another step forward. Automatically, Blaine takes another step back, not daring to look behind to see where he’s going for fear of taking his eyes off of Kurt.

“Why are you still trying to get away?” asks Kurt curiously, glancing down at Blaine’s feet. The casual manner in which he is holding himself does not for a moment speak to the blood slicked over him from head to toe; there is no urgency to anything he says or does. Just patience, and pleasure, and mild amusement. Kurt raises an eyebrow, staring at Blaine as though he is an animal behaving in a peculiar fashion. “It’s over now, lovely. I win, you lose. You know that.”

“Why should I make it any easier for you to kill me?” Blaine manages to bite out, voice almost steady as he takes another determined step backwards. But it isn’t courage bolstering him into bravado: no clinging, ridiculous hope that he can get away this time.

It’s resignation.

The shock of it all is starting to lessen, and now... now, the dawning comprehension has wiped all pretensions away. Blaine is going to die here, today, right now. Life drained out, punctured deep and torn to pieces like Amita, and it’s only a matter of waiting until Kurt gets bored with talking. There is absolutely nothing stopping Kurt from taking what he’s wanted all along; to rip Blaine’s throat out and drink until the screaming ebbs away into twitches and choked gasps and he finally, finally stills.

There is nothing Blaine can do to stop it from happening.

But if there’s any way to make killing him harder, even if it’s something small and petty and pointless? Then he’s just going to have to take it. The stakes he always carries with him are tucked into his bag, left slumped at the front door behind Kurt’s back and utterly useless to him now. Blaine is utterly defenceless in all of the important ways. But he still has this: can still move steadily and slowly backward, steps getting more and more certain and sure, and he’s only going to stop when his back hits the wall or if Kurt decides to speed things up. The next few minutes are all he has left, and he isn’t going to hand them over complacently like his life doesn’t mean anything at all. Like Amita’s life didn’t mean anything at all.

All at once, however, Blaine realizes that Kurt’s expression has shifted. Head cocked to one side, Kurt stares at Blaine with a wondering, dumbfounded expression on that perfect pale face, his sculpted eyebrows drawn together and nose crinkling in disbelief.

“Oh my god,” says Kurt quietly, shaking his head with tiny movements as he comes slowly closer. “Are you still stuck on that?”

“Am I still stuck on that?” exclaims Blaine frantically, hysteria bubbling up in his chest and coming out of his mouth as sick incredulity pounds in his skull. He shakes his head defiantly. “You were human once. Don’t tell me you don’t understand why I feel this way, because that’s a fucking lie. I don’t – I don’t want to die, I don’t –”

But the words dry up in his mouth when he glances up, eyes stinging, to look at the man in front of him. Kurt has stopped his slow progression forward, shaking his head slowly back and forth as he stands and looks at him. Looks, and fixates, and it’s the most intent, steadfast expression that Blaine has ever been on the receiving end of. There is something quietly mocking in his eyes, yes – but also something softer. Something unknown, hidden beneath the surface.

“Oh, my Blaine,” says Kurt quietly, a blood-soaked hand coming up to trace delicately along his own collar. The long fingers ghosting over the exposed line of his own neck, stroking at the skin there absently as he stares. “Oh, my silly, beautiful thing.”

His fingers leave smudge marks along the pale skin of his collar and neckline; impressions of fingerprinted blood smeared haphazardly in meaningless strokes. Kurt closes his eyes briefly, opening them again after a moment to intently hold Blaine’s gaze across the room.

“Of course I’m going to feed from you,” says Kurt quietly, eyes heavily lidded and voice full of want. “I want it so badly, Blaine, I’m reeling. I can smell your blood beneath your skin, and I now? Now I can finally taste it. I’ve wanted you so badly, and for so long, and god. You have no idea how hard it is to stop myself from having you right this second.” He licks his lips, eyes sliding down to trail over Blaine’s neck, hidden and covered up by a coat collar and a scarf. “I’m going to drink, and drink, and... yes. It’s going to kill you, eventually.”

Blaine flinches violently as the words are spoken out loud for the first real time, feeling incredibly exposed despite his many layers of clothing. Everything has been insinuation, in the past; careful words and hints and leaving everything to his imagination. Before, Blaine had thought it had been even crueller, leaving his imagination to its own devices – but the light in Kurt’s eyes as his lips wrap around the word kill is almost enough to make his knees give out beneath him. The inevitability of it all is clenching at his chest in hard pangs, and he lets out a sobbing breath as he takes another unsteady step back.

Eyes dragging up and down his body, Kurt’s tongue darts out over his lips. He tilts his head to one side, eyes burning as he raises his gaze back up and locks them on Blaine’s eyes. Blaine cannot look away as he speaks, locked in place by the intensity of Kurt’s gaze.

“But then?” says Kurt quietly, conviction and need throbbing along every word. “I’m going to bring you back.”

For a few seconds, the whole world ceases to exist.

It falls away as the room burns white, everything reduced to flashes and bursts of incoming information that Blaine’s mind simply cannot process. He tries to speak but no words come out, catching in his throat as reality gets turned on its head. Blaine can’t feel his body anymore; can’t feel his feet on the floor or his arms in his sleeves, or even his pulse as it bounds through his body. He blinks, mouth falling open as he desperately tries to grapple with the words. To arrive at some conclusion that makes sense, Kurt... Kurt simply cannot mean what Blaine thinks he does.

Because that would mean that Kurt wants to... wants to...

“I’ve known since the second I laid eyes on you,” says Kurt heatedly, taking a step forward that Blaine is too shocked to counter. “Since the second I smelled you, god. You smell like forever, Blaine. You smell like mine.”


The blue of his eyes drag up and down the length of Blaine’s body as though seeing a miracle – as though seeing something that can’t possibly exist.


“What?” Blaine whispers weakly, heart stuttering in his chest as he stares in disbelief. “You – no, you don’t – you can’t –”

“I’m going to make you like I am,” Kurt continues, voice smooth as silk and hard as steel at the same time. His eyes are searing into Blaine as he speaks, and it feels as though Blaine’s heart has been ripped out of his chest. “That was always the plan, Blaine, from the very beginning. I thought you knew – or at least suspected by now, god. Did you really think I would follow after you like this for weeks if all I wanted was a quick fuck and a nice meal?” he asks contemptuously, gesturing broadly in the air. “There are thousands – millions – of people in this city that I could’ve had instead if that was all I wanted. God, I have been having them. Waiting for you has made me so hungry, Blaine, I can barely stand it.”


At once, Amita opens her mouth as if to speak – but she closes it again quickly, lips pressed tight together. For the briefest of moments, there is something almost reticent in her eyes.


“No,” Blaine chokes out, the denial small and useless in the room. Events from the past week are piling in front of his eyes, a mounting heap of incidents and moments and phrases that seemed normal at the time, but everything looks different when viewed through this new lens. Words from deep within his memory are taking on new implications; every interaction is altered, every moment laced with new and horrible meaning.

And worse – worse than anything else is the realization that, in some buried depths of his mind, Blaine has always known that this was how it was going to end. Not consciously; not on the surface, where everything is words and actions and thoughts. But deep below, in his gut and bones and spine, this is only the final confirmation of a suspicion that already existed. Growing quietly and unnoticeably at the back of his mind throughout everything, reverberating back to him now through the haze of shock and disbelief.

The fact that Blaine had only ever been able to ignore because of his own incredible capacity to not hear the things he doesn’t want to hear.


“Why me?” asks Blaine quickly, forcing the words out into the air. “What do you want from me?”

A low, pleasurable noise floats through the divider between them.

“Everything,” whispers Kurt. The word a drawn-out exhalation of heat and certainty.


Yes,” Kurt counters insistently, taking another step forward. The space between them is getting smaller and smaller, and Blaine stumbles back a few paces in a daze to make up for it. For a moment, his heart freezes as he thinks his back hits a wall – but the object swings back at the touch, and it’s only an opened door. Vaguely, he notices that he is passing through a doorframe into some kind of back room. “And I’m never, ever letting you get away from me,” Kurt growls, low and possessive in his throat. “You don’t get to leave, Blaine, you never get to leave. Not to run away, and not to someone else, and not to death. You’re mine, Blaine, since the first moment I saw you. Now, and forever, and always.”

This is worse, worse than anything Blaine has ever dared to let himself consider before. Worse than any scenario he’s ever thought about, or dreamed about in the so-real visions that plagued his nights like clockwork for so long.

Because as much as Blaine has feared death over the past weeks – has fought against it, and done his best to protect the lives of others, and been petrified of the day when Kurt would finally manage to kill him – death, at least, is an ending. It is final, and conclusive, and a way to finally rest. He’s so exhausted, now; hanging on by a thread, the mere thought of the gore he’s been the cause of making his mind feel unhinged and frantic to find a way out of this insanity, this pain, this torture.

After the living nightmare that his life as degenerated into, death would be peace.

Instead, that chance at peace is being stripped away and peeled back as he watches. And the mere idea of being turned, of becoming a monster like Kurt is, makes something heavy and horrible sit in his stomach. Having what makes him human – what makes him Blaine – being dissected and soured and turned rotten, twisting it into something dark and not-him and wrong... it makes him desperate for the death that was never offered to him.

For a split second, he tries to imagine getting the same joy out of killing people that Kurt obviously does. Of not being able to tell whether he regrets killing someone he loves. Of losing any kind of morality and goodness and having it replaced with sex and blood and death, only sex and blood and death for the rest of ever. Of becoming the monster.

Blaine stumbles back blindly, and Kurt follows with increasing speed. The space between them is beginning to close, getting smaller and smaller as Kurt comes ever closer. The stalker in the night, the predator closing in on its prey.

“It’s okay,” Kurt purrs in a low, comforting voice, coming towards him with steps that are getting quicker despite his obvious attempts at control. “Sweetheart, it’s okay, I’m here. You don’t have to fight anymore. You don’t have to be strong, or lonely, or scared any longer. I’m going to make you better, pretty thing, you’ll see. You’ll understand, I promise. Don’t I keep my promises?”

Kurt is almost right in front of him now, only a few precious feet keeping them apart. Explosions of panic and fear and denial are going off inside Blaine’s chest, but there is nothing he can do. Nothing that will stop Kurt from taking what he wants, just like before. What Kurt wants has just always been different from what Blaine assumed it to be; blind to what was right in front of his face.

Whole body shaking, Blaine lets out a desperate sob – and finally stops moving. He’s never prepared himself for this; for the promise of being kept, held close, changed into something he was never meant to be. Doesn’t know how to fight it, to cling on anymore. It’s too much, all too much, and Blaine simply cannot struggle anymore. Hasn’t got the energy; hasn’t got the will.

Bottom lip trembling and throat growing thick, he straightens himself up. Holding himself in place here, as though his feet are glued to the ground. Surrendering, throwing his hands in the air, and finally, finally giving up. Giving in. He closes his eyes, squeezing them tight and dragging in broken gasps of air as he stands in place and waits for his world to end.

That’s right,” murmurs Kurt quietly, sweetly, from the blackness behind his eyelids. Blaine can hear his footsteps coming closer, delicate and soft, and he chokes in a helpless gasp as terror resonates right down to his core. His whole body is shuddering violently as he waits, each second dragging on endlessly long. “It’s all over now, Blaine. I’ve got you. I –”

But the words are cut off, suddenly and abruptly, as an unexpected thud cracks across the air. Blaine startles, eyes flying open at the noise – and he stares in utter incomprehension at the sight in front of him.

In front of him, Kurt is standing at the doorway that Blaine had passed through moments before. Eyes wide in incredulity and his beautiful, angelic face twisted up in an entirely new expression as he presses his hands hard against the air in front of him. It takes a long moment for the image to make any sense, but after a moment’s utter confusion it dawns that Kurt must have hit some kind of barrier.

“What?” asks Kurt sharply, his voice raising in pitch as he presses his hands against the invisible wall. His eyes fly over the doorway frantically, scraping over it from top to bottom as he slams a hand against the barrier. It doesn’t do anything; only shudders and vibrates with some unseen force that pulses throughout the entire store.

Blinking in confusion so profound it shakes him to his core, Blaine turns and looks at the room in which he has found himself. He had assumed that he had been stumbling blindly backward into some kind of storage room, but now that he actually looks at it...

There is a couch against the wall directly in front of a television, tucked into the small space with a plush-looking throw rug in the space between them. A desk piled high with books and printed-off articles and a laptop perched on top. Around the corner, he can see a small kitchenette; there is a doorway that leads off into another room, and Blaine can see the corner of a bed peeking out from around the corner.

The room that the two of them had always been coming in and out of. The one with the No Public Access sign.

Entirely by accident, Blaine has found himself standing right in the middle of Amita and Jack’s apartment in behind the bookstore. And somewhere out there, Jack is alive.

And the inherent protection of being inside someone’s home is still active.

“No,” Kurt mutters frantically, disbelievingly, fists slamming against the barrier with increasing force as the furious desperation grows and bursts in his voice. “No, no, no, no, no!”

For an endless moment, Blaine stands stock-still and stares in utter shock, unable to even comprehend the magnitude of what has just happened. Kurt is growling, throwing himself against the barrier know with his full weight and shouting.

Blaine!” he screams, face twisted in fury, and Blaine stumbles backward further into the room. Where composure and control had been moments before, Kurt has utterly degenerated to a creature of rage bordering on frenzy. All of that calm certainty is falling to pieces in front of Blaine’s eyes, replaced by the jilted outrage of someone who has been utterly cheated. “Don’t you fucking dare, Blaine, don’t you fucking dare! If you run away from me, I swear to god—!”

Without even taking the time to weather out the threat, Blaine turns on his heel and runs deeper into the apartment. Feet on fire and flying, the soles of his heavy shoes pounding on the well-worn hardwood as he throws himself through the rooms in search of another way out. Kurt’s high-pitched screams and bellows and denials fall on deaf ears, because there is absolutely nothing Blaine can think about except for finding a way out.

The bathroom window is too small to crawl out of, but when Blaine throws open the bedroom door all the way his heart nearly gives out at the sight of the full fire escape right outside its window. He stares at it with uncomprehending eyes for one second, two, three – before hurling himself towards it and fumbling with the catch, hands slipping on the partially fogged-up glass as he puts his weight against it and shoves, the burst of frozen air hitting him square in the face as it yields and slides open. He’s small and compact, and it doesn’t take much to fit himself through it; in the background, he can still hear Kurt shrieking and pounding his fists against the barrier, the doorway, the walls in a frantic attempt to get to him. But he’s already out; out into the sun, out into safety, out where Kurt can’t follow him.

Even soaked in blood and waiting for him to arrive, Blaine’s never seen Kurt that unhinged before. He’s always been controlled and reserved, manipulative and sly, almost never raising his voice – but there isn’t time for him to panic. The metal of the fire escape stairs is partially frosted over and slippery underfoot, and he has to cling to the railings in order to get down as quickly as he has to, he needs to, without falling on his face and potentially down the whole way. The apartment is only on the second floor, and it only takes him a moment to get the final staircase leading down to the ground to release. He goes sailing down those last few steps, trying not to slip on the frosted metal, and once he hits the ground it rebounds up and back into place.

“Taxi!” Blaine shouts in desperation, running down the road and waving his hand like a lunatic as he goes. There’s a cab coming down the road, and people on the street are staring at him as though he’s insane, but he has never cared about anything less. “Taxi, taxi, please god, taxi!”

When a cab screeches to a halt, he hurls himself inside and yells out his home address as he gulps for air, telling the driver to go please go you have to go as he clutches at the car door and tries to swallow the feeling of his heart pounding in his throat. Slamming through his whole body, a drumming noise in his pulse, letting him know with every breath he takes and every heartbeat how very close that came to being the end.

It’s only when Blaine finally fastens his seatbelt after a few minutes and a couple of irritated reminders from the cab driver that he reaches up distractedly and feels the wetness on his own face. Hot tears streaming down his cheeks in twin lines, dripping down his chin and making the world swim.

He rubs them away with his coat sleeves, drags in a breath, and doesn’t feel relief. Doesn’t feel relieved at all.


--


The cab drops Blaine back off at his apartment, after the driver getting more and more irritated as Blaine taps his feet against the floor of the car and grips the back of the seat and urges him to drive faster, faster, please faster. It’s the only place he can think to go; nowhere else is safe, and he hadn’t even thought about staying in the backroom of the store. Not with the body in pieces on the ground right outside the door, where the whole space would grow thick and cloying like rotting meat as time would pass and he wouldn’t even be able to go and bury or burn the remains because Kurt would never let him. Would stand outside the door all day and all night, screaming at him and howling and not again, not like that, Blaine wouldn’t have been able to stand it. Had just wanted to run as fast as his feet could take him, to get away so that he could think.

Only as he unlocks the door to his apartment and shoves his way inside (had thrown money at the cab driver like it was nothing, bills fluttering down onto the passenger seat with bad aim because it hadn’t mattered, none of that matters anymore), Blaine still can’t think at all. His mind is numb, switched to ‘off’ as he locks the door with shaking fingers and his keys fall to the floor with a clang, but he barely even notices. Doesn’t even bother to turn on the lights. Just strips off his coat, drops it onto the floor, and begins to set a frantic pace around his living room as he clutches at his hair.

Blaine can’t even see the world in front of him, and he can’t go outside because outside isn’t safe anymore, never was safe, it was all a ruse, and he can’t stop pacing. Pounding the floor with his shoes that he hasn’t taken off yet, hasn’t even thought about it, and it’s like a compulsion under his skin and he can’t stand still, can’t let it catch up with him.

Because Kurt wants to turn him, and Blaine can’t stop reeling at that because it’s so obvious. Right in front of his eyes all along, in plain sight, and even though something shameful in his heart twinges painfully at the idea of someone wanting him forever, the idea of it is so much worse than when he thought it was as simple as dying. The room is swimming and liquid and his eyes are burning, a few tears spilling out over his cheeks when he blinks and they don’t feel like anything, anything at all, and it hurts.

He’d thought that he had known guilt, before, and grief. With the police officers on the news and the wife whose photo had kept coming onscreen over and over again, a reminder and a memento of his failure. Had thought he’d felt it with the heart, holding a piece of a person in his hands; feeling the weight of it and knowing that it came from inside someone, that Kurt tore it out, that it didn’t have to happen at all. Or all of those nights spent being regaled with the tiny, gruesome details of Kurt’s murders; night after night, Kurt’s voice in his ear, never being able to tone it out and just having to listen.

But all of that is nothing – nothing – compared to this. Because Amita... god, Amita was torn to pieces and killed terrified, and it’s all his fault. She came to help him when no one else did, and she died because of him; if he’d never met her she’d still be breathing. And it’s so, so much more real than any of the others because he’d known Amita. He liked her. She’d been a real person, with a face and a name and a smile and a personality. She put honey in her peppermint tea, and did crosswords in pen when they were taking a break from research, and there had been a photo of her and Jack on their wedding day on the shop’s front desk all in bright reds and golds and smiling faces. There’s nothing left of her now, none of those important things. Just pieces, torn up and left and what made her her lost somewhere, gone, gone forever and –

Jack.

It feels as though something icy and hard is clutching at Blaine’s chest, and for a second he thinks he stops breathing. He stutters and stops his pacing of the floor, a hand flying up to cover his mouth and eyes blown wide with horror.

He doesn’t know. Her husband doesn’t know.

The air gets caught in Blaine’s chest as the realization washes over him, sick grief impacting him in the chest all over again as he reels and sways on his feet. A hundred little things flash before his eyes – the way they’d looked at each other, the little touches, the casual intimacy that had made Blaine’s heart hurt so badly. And now Blaine has to tell Jack that the woman he loved – the woman he married – is dead because of some stupid kid.

He stumbles over to the couch before he can collapse, crumpling down onto it like a marionette with its strings cut, numb fingers shaking like a leaf as he tries to get his phone out of his pocket as his chest heaves. The screen lights up too bright in the darkened room, but it doesn’t matter, he needs to call. Except he goes through his contact list twice, scrolling through with unseeing eyes, before he realizes that he never got Jack’s number. Never bothered to write it down because he already had Amita’s, and that was supposed to be good enough, was supposed to work and it isn’t and it’s not okay. He has no idea where Jack is staying, or how to contact him, or how to tell him to stay away.

Someone else is going to die for him because he never got a stupid fucking phone number and it’s all Blaine’s fault, his fault, everything is his fucking fault.

There’s a loud sound filling up the air, dragging and ragged and pained, and it takes Blaine far too long to realize that it’s himself breathing. He’s gasping for air but he can’t get it in fast enough, clutches at his chest as the world spins, everything too numb and too sharp all at once around him. The room is hot, too hot, too stuffy, and Blaine grabs at his sweater and strips it over his head buttons and all because he can’t breathe.

The whole room is heightened, on edge, his body sweltering and gagging for air like he’s drowning, and it’s all too much, and Blaine can’t handle this anymore. Can’t deal with pieces of Amita’s body thrown around like slabs of wet meat over books and the promise of death, always death, death and sex for the rest of always and he doesn’t want this, didn’t expect this, can’t fight this. It’s too much, too much and he’s too weak, ready to break like fragile china full of fault lines and cracks, ready to break into a hundred pieces, Blaine just can’t fucking do this anymore.

Hands tangling in his hair, digging them into the gelled strands and tugging hard. He’s been styling it for the past weeks, since Amita, someone to impress and count on depend on and prove that he can be an adult, be a grownup and face this but he can’t, there’s no point, it’s a joke. Sweating hard and face hot with shame and guilt and failure and despair, Blaine gasps for air in desperate gulps as his heart spasms in his chest like a caged bird, banging against his ribcage and the sound of it filling up his ears. Chest aching and the world swimming and breathe, breathe, why can’t he just breathe?

Blaine has no idea how long he sits like that, perched on the couch as though ready to spring up at any moment and run out into the street. Hands buried in his hair and breathing so hard the world spins, skin a mass of pins and needles all over and eyes blurring up and coming into focus over and over until it’s easier to just shut them, force out the world, close his eyes and concentrate on the sound of his own sharp, quick breaths and the heart pounding against his chest. The grief and guilt inside is like a hot element; whenever he dares to reach out and touch it, it sends pain searing all through his body. Leaves him shivering, and wrecked, and hurt beyond words.

Eventually, though, his body gives out. Wrings himself out with the white hot panic of it, slumping back onto the couch to lie down with closed eyes and concentrate on the sound of his breath ebbing back, pulling away, slowing down. The room around him is pitch black, same as behind his eyes, so there’s no point opening them up. Just lies in the dark as wetness spills down his cheeks and drips off his chin, dripping back into his ears and onto his lips. He doesn’t bother to push any of it away; can’t even feel it at all.

The drumming slows, and the world drifts, and the dark of the room dims into an even deeper black.









Click here to continue on to part two.


Comments

( 41 comments — Leave a comment )
lovely_spark
Nov. 14th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
HOLY CHRIST. it's here.
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:54 am (UTC)
IT IS.

BB.

YOU MUST TELL ME WHAT YOU THIIIIIIIIIIINK. *waits with bated breath*
(Deleted comment)
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:55 am (UTC)
Aheeeee, yes! Kurt's not-so-secret-intentions are finally revealed! (You're a filmmaker? That's fascinating!! :O) God, I have to say, I would watch the fuck out of that. But I'm pretty biased, ha. <3

Thank you SO very much! (I fixed the error, by the way. <3)
missgoalie75
Nov. 14th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)
But he still has this: can still move steadily and slowly backward, steps getting more and more certain and sure, and he’s only going to stop when his back hits the wall or if Kurt decides to speed things up. The next few minutes are all he has left, and he isn’t going to hand them over complacently like his life doesn’t mean anything at all. This is so heartbreakingly human – we just have this desire to live and this bit really showcases it.

Bottom lip trembling and throat growing thick, he straightens himself up. Holding himself in place here, as though his feet are glued to the ground. Surrendering, throwing his hands in the air, and finally, finally giving up. Giving in. He closes his eyes, squeezing them tight and dragging in broken gasps of air as he stands in place and waits for his world to end. T_T tears in my eyes.

OKAY ON TO PART 2 asldkjsldfksdjf
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:56 am (UTC)
Thank you so very, very much -- I love the two sets of lines that you chose!! Some of my very favourites in this section. <3

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
shighola
Nov. 14th, 2011 08:34 pm (UTC)
Well there goes my afternoon.
*runs off to read*
shighola
Nov. 14th, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)
Is it wrong that I am so excited Kurt wants to turn Blaine? I assumed he did cuz why else would he go to all this effort, but you almost had me convinced he didn't. That Kurt just liked the hunt. But it's a nice feeling knowing that he wants Blaine and cares about him in his own primal, homicidal way. Or maybe that's just my vampire fangirl showing.
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:58 am (UTC)
Aha, I'm sorry for being such a time-sink! <3

I don't think that's wrong at all, my love. Especially within the story as we've seen it laid out so far, it makes a lot of sense to feel that way. (The fact that Kurt wanted to turn Blaine was never supposed to be a secret, haha, but it just wound up that people were second-guessing, and I chose to remain silent, ha. Those have very much always been his intentions, from the very start. But yes: Kurt does care about Blaine, in his way, I think. For sure.

Thank you so much for reading!
cori_animal
Nov. 14th, 2011 09:58 pm (UTC)
OhmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodOHMYGOD! *hyperventilating* ONTO PART TWO!!!!
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:58 am (UTC)
Heeeeeee!! :D
amordemealma
Nov. 14th, 2011 10:52 pm (UTC)
I will come back and read this, and leave a super long comment. I will. but The time it takes to dedicate to reading your story. I do not have. and you deserve time. cause I'm sure this is amazing.
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 09:59 am (UTC)
Aha, you're so very lovely, m'dear. <3 Thank you for spending all that time!!
cjs_forever
Nov. 15th, 2011 12:21 am (UTC)
GVDFHKJZHBJKTD.GJNCXKBDFN,GJDB

THE NOISE I MADE WHEN I SAW YOU UPDATED WAS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HUMAN

I WAS CHEERING FOR BLAINE AND LAUGHING AT KURT'S FURY

BUT I'M NOT LAUGHING ANYMORE

SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS, BUT I HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING ~FEELINGS~
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 10:00 am (UTC)
WHAT'S THIS?

I SEE WE HAVE A CAPS LOCK PARTY!! :D :D :D :D

I AM DELIGHTED THAT YOU WERE STOKED WHEN I UPDATED

AND THAT EVERYTHING IMPACTED YOU SO STRONGLY

I DO NOT MIND CAPS AT ALL

IN FACT, I LOVE THEM.

THANK YOUUUUU!
cassidychase
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:02 am (UTC)
First thing I saw when I logged into my livejournal was the replies to the last part, which bugged my eyes out because that usually means the new chapter is out and FUCK OMFG *runs*(you know, figuratively XD)

I enjoyed every bit of that conversation between them, or more like kurt talking and Blaine freaking out but slowly giving in. YES I KNEW KURT WANTED TO TURN BLAINE AND YES HE'S GOING TO DO IT!!!!!!... And then Blaine goes through that doorway...

Um... As semi glad as I am that Blainey is safe... Can they just be together yet? I'm torn.

As a human, or just someone with a conscience, the thought of killing anything makes me squirm. All the more so because as it is I don't kill animals for food. So when faced with the life of a vampire, especially the type of vampire life you've create here, it would freak me out too. And then Kurt has been describing his kills and horrors to Blaine, which really would never ever help Kurt's intention.Blaine seeing and hearing the vamp lifestyle as a human, without the years of objectivity that Kurt has had? All it was going to do was make Blaine even more resistant.. So... not a smart move on Kurt's part, tbh.

And Blaine is so freaking strong... I would have died of the stress ages before this point, quite literally. His instinct to survive and fight back is just amazing. Him still thinking of ways to fight back even faced with Kurt standing there, I think my knees would have buckled and I would have dropped from the shock.

Blaine not realizing that Kurt wanted him forever, it was fitting. To everyone else it was fucking obvious, though we weren't sure, but even if Blaine had considered that as a possibility, he would have shoved it away with denial. He never wants to become like Kurt. I loved how you just did a quick review of a few significant paragraphs where you hinted that Kurt might want to turn Blaine. Everyone's been flailing and analysing the crap out of those moments, and it seemed like a 'Blaine's life was flashing before his eyes' moment which kinda sealed my expectation that something huge was going to go down. But then you know, in the end not quite yet XD

ALL THE FEEEEEELINGS for Blaine's reaction to finding out what Kurt has in store for him. the panic, the denial, the reluctant but seemingly inevitable acceptance and then the amazing unexpected extension of hope and time, lent to him by someone who isn't even there. FUCKING PERFECT. I literally have bite marks on my hand because I had to keep silent somehow and have outlet for my anticipation. I personally don't feel that prolonging Blaine's turning is good, especially now that he KNOWS that Kurt will stop at nothing to turn him, but that what keeps the story so enthralling. What the heck is going to happen next???

Honestly, I was giggling and rolling my eyes when Blaine escaped. lol, here I thought we had reached the climax and oh wait! Blaine managed to get away and ooooo Kurt gonna be so pissed off at Blaine for running AND himself for getting distracted enough to miss that particular exit point and allowing Blaine to slip his grasp AGAIN. So close, just so fucking close and Kurt gets so complacent and loses his focus, distracted by having caught Blaine. OOO that is so delicious. I loved reading Kurt lose control like that, I dunno, it wasn't so much that I was happy that Blaine got away, it was more like, yes, this situation is unique, Kurt probably has never had this happen to him before and he's pissed off because this was his best chance at Blaine and now the game is completely in the open and Blaine is probably never going to be so careless again to be caught out in the open like that. Ooooh Kurt's rage is just so yummy because of all the implications and circumstances.

Oh man I can't freaking wait to see how Kurt reacts to this. I'm kinda all for a killing spree which Blaine finds out about and goes into further guilt, because shit, that's his fault too! If he hadn't run, those people would still be alive. I dunno, I'm starting to consider torturing Blaine too...shit when did I switch to team vampire? LOL XD XD Look what you did to me!

cassidychase
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:02 am (UTC)
Gosh your descriptions of Blaine mental breakdown, how he worries and panics and freaks the FUCK out until it's just too much already, he can't handle it. I was FEEEEELING so much for him. Poor bb is exhausted and overstretched and has been through more drama, terror and fear than most people through over several lifetimes, and in a era which is, inherently, safe. No amount of preparation can help anyone go through what Blaine is going through. I just read through that whole part really quickly because that's how I see it happening all these thoughts just fleeting by and Blaine unable to just stop can think about it rationally and jumping here and there and absolutely dizzy-making. I need to go reread that part because I missed out most of the concrete descriptions in favour of the tone and fear.

Which brings us to the question.. what on earth is Blaine going to do? He was kind of clinging to the delusion that if Kurt eventually caught him, he would just die, and OMG when you describe him viewing that as PEACE, I just started tearing up like an idiot. Now he knows that that isn't going to happen for him, he's going to be like Kurt, unless he can get himself out somehow, and how?? Oh god please don't let him kill himself....

Endgame for me right now: Blaine becoming a vampire and two of them living happily ever after, but Blaine using his new position in Kurt's life to attempt to inject some humanity back into Kurt, just in terms of no need to kill human, just feed off them, and no more terrorising humans.

More likely depressing scenario which I really don't want to happen: Kurt turns Blaine, Blaine kills Kurt then find a way to either kill himself or live hating himself forever. Gah, so much angst in my head right now...

All your chapter are fucking GOLDMINES, seriously. I'm so honoured to be able to get into your loop so early, because if you really want to, you could be a world famous author. I'm fucking serious here. I'm just continue to be in awe of your writing and one day, if and when you become famous, I'll be able to be one of those starkid fans and brag about how I knew you before your rise to fame XD XD XD

AHHH!!! Next part XD XD XD
cassidychase
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:19 am (UTC)
Ooohhh And I forgot to comment on how freaking erotic Kurt talking about them being together forever sounded. Chilllssss.

Also adored that description of Kurt looking unhinged. Love all the descriptions and how beautifully all the emotions and imagery come across.
emilianadarling
Nov. 25th, 2011 07:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you SO much for taking the time to leave such detailed feedback!! I’m so sorry about the long wait time, haha. Curse you, university! I appreciate your patience! <3

Okay, I will say that knowing that you’ve now read what happens in the second part of this chapter, reading the comment for the first half is super interesting. (Namely, because Blaine DOES get caught by the end of the chapter, and you spend so much time angsting over the fact that he briefly got away here. XD) Yes, Kurt’s intentions have been to turn Blaine from the very beginning!! It actually surprised me when people weren’t sure about that, and decided to play coy in order to keep people guessing. But no: it’s always been very clear in my mind –a and very clear if you read Chapter One again! – that those have been Kurt’s intentions from the start.

Blaine has definitely been very, very strong in this, though. Totally agree with you, there. I think that it’s a very human instinct in many ways, though: because human beings can take so much more than we give them credit for before they give out. The fact that he keeps trying to step back is definitely very indicative of that. I love the way you say that, really, the fact that Kurt wanted to turn Blaine was obvious – but NOT for Blaine itself, for the reasons you list. Because HOW HORRIFYING is that? Maybe it occurred to him briefly, but he would definitely shove that away. Forever is an absolutely terrifying concept, and who wants to know that they’re going to be turned into a monster? Glad you liked the flashing of those moments.

BAHAHAHAHA I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE TWIST WITH THE APARTMENT. :D I’ve been waiting to pull that one out for so long! (Also, haha, this is the interesting thing when you break the chapter into two parts and analyze them separately, hon: you miss out on how it ends!!) So glad that you enjoyed Blaine’s reaction, though. (It also means that you roll your eyes at stuff, which definitely makes me a sad panda. :( Eye-rolling is so negative...) But, yeah: all I can say is that it I’m glad you were excited to see what happened, and that I’m tickled because I know how you responded to the second half of the chapter.

I’m delighted, too, that Blaine’s emotions were coming in so loud and clear. (Feelings! All of the feelings!) It really is a good thing that his absolute exhaustion came through: there really is only so much, though, that someone can handle without breaking down. It’s a very quick, rapid scene that just runs through everything he’s going through, all at once, and I’m delighted that it came through strong. Dizzy-making is a wonderful term, I think: the way that scene is written is very much what it’s like to go through a panic attack, in my experience.

The idea of death as peace is one that a lot of people can fall back on, I think, when things get beyond their control. The whole situation is so utterly out of his hands, and the idea of everything being over was so appealing. Also, it’s SO interesting to read everyone’s responses and threories about how it’s all going to go!!

Thank you so, so very much!! Ajdhsakjdhkajshkdjh your entire paragraph about ‘getting into my loop early’ just made me grin and blush like a crazy person, thank you so much akjhdkjashkdjhaskjdnsa. I can’t even believe that anyone thinks that, thank you so much for thinking so highly of me. <3 <3 As always, I super appreciate you indepth feedback!!

P.S. Ahaha, it's so interesting seeing your 'erotic' comment at this point, now. <3 Bahahahahaha.
cassidychase
Nov. 28th, 2011 04:21 am (UTC)
Lol, don't worry about making any of us wait. Everyone busy on their own way XD I know how Uni can get in the way sometimes :/ sucks but what can you do? XD I'm actually very thankful that despite your busy-ness, you still take the time to write fic and respond to everyone's comments XD XD That's some epic dedication right there!

Hehe, I love comment on each part separately, makes the chapter that we get last so much longer. Usually on days that you post chapters, I don't get much done during work. I'll usually spend the morning flailing over part 1 and commenting, then go for lunch and come back to flail over part 2 XD XD

For me, not being sure whether Kurt would actually turn Blaine was more of a combination of 'I don't want to get my hopes up' and a result of Blaine's conviction that Kurt was tying to kill him. I mean, all that fear just seeps right out of the computer you know?

Oh honey, my eye-rolling wasn't so much in frustration or annoyance but more of in amusement and exasperation? It was one of those moments that I thought yes yes yes Kurt's got him, only that Blaine managed to get away and I was like sigh.... bugger..... can they just be together already? But yes, I really did love the way you wrote Blaine's surrender, looking back. He got his moments for closure with his parents and it was more than just his carelessness that forced him into Kurt's arms. So very well planned out.

And your welcome for that particular para, but I will always advocate it, because it's the truth! Never ever stop writing ok? Too much talent to go to waste.
ficcy
Nov. 15th, 2011 08:06 am (UTC)
LKCGALGGHAL;G HE'S SAFE. And the idea that safety was so close to Amita makes my stomach turn. ;____;
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:30 am (UTC)
Gahh, yes!! Tension city, and SUCH a close getaway!! D: Blaine!
fara1903
Nov. 15th, 2011 02:59 pm (UTC)
Wow! That was close! Will Klaine be the end game here when Blaine is scared out of his mind of Kurt?
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:30 am (UTC)
Certainly a very close call!!!

Thank you so much for reading!
stttmsbwa
Nov. 15th, 2011 05:11 pm (UTC)
So I'm not paying attention to my professor, instead excited to read the next part of this fic. And it's all filled with suspense and I'm terrified for Blaine and then I see this:

“But then?” says Kurt quietly, conviction and need throbbing along every word. “I’m going to bring you back.”

My lips break out into a sloppy grin and my heart starts to race. No. Fucking. Way. My eyes dart down until I catch:

“I’ve known since the second I laid eyes on you,” says Kurt heatedly, taking a step forward that Blaine is too shocked to counter. “Since the second I smelled you, god. You smell like forever, Blaine. You smell like mine.”

HOLY FUCK. I'm in class and my professor is glaring at me, but I can't help it because this fic gets me at every fucking turn.

Amazing amazing amazing amazing. okay gotta dart back up and finish reading, because I had to stop and share my overwhelming emotions.
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:32 am (UTC)
I'm glad you were excited enough to read this in class, hon!! Man, I do that so much in class, I cannot even. I think the professors can tell considering how much time I spend smiling or looking horrified at my computer screen, haha!

akjdhakjshdkjahsjdh, I'm so happy you were so excited for those lines! They've been a long time coming, even if they were underneath the surface the whole time. <3 Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you're excited, hon! Thank you for reading, and letting me know!
potatostabber
Nov. 16th, 2011 04:12 pm (UTC)
Okay so here is going to be a massively long comment for you because I really feel the need to write a long review because just when I think your writing can’t possibly get any better you just BLOW MY MIND TO PIECES.



Let me start off by saying that when I checked your tumblr and saw you had updated I ACTUALLY SCREAMED at my computer, generating very strange looks from the person on the computer next to me. Okay let’s go:

‘His mind flits uselessly back and forth like a frightened bird’ okay so your writing is just so perfect MY mind was doing exactly that… all of the feelings and the thoughts you describe Blaine as having always feel so REAL and I find myself feeling as if I am ACTUALLY IN THE BOOKSHOP with Kurt and Amita and it’s just too much.. adsfgslhkskdsa

And then when Blaine thinks of the curtains and I go YES! But then ‘“Do you really think you could get there before I caught you, pretty?”’ and it’s Kurt’s VOICE and his EYEBROWS and his LAUGH and all hope in me just dies and I find myself smiling like some mad person because Kurt is just so sexy yet terrifying.

The way Kurt is looking at Blaine like he wants to just drink him and lick him and have him. Oh my God. *dead*



OF COURSE the bookshop is a public place! I hadn’t figured that one out – I love how I’m as naïve as Blaine throughout all this, I clearly never expect anything that happens and it’s just afigsahg;lksaeg (I can’t even write properly)

‘”I told you I would kill anyone you brought into this, Blaine, but you didn’t listen. You never listen.”’ This is just as if Kurt is talking to a young child; poor sweet, innocent, naïve little Blaine who until now has been skipping through life as if it’s a field full of daisies (despite his tedious law work) and the way Kurt talks to him just makes Blaine seem so small and helpless and makes me want to curl up in a ball…

Blaine never had any chance at all. All of the hope he had was an illusion. All of the hope I had for Blaine was an illusion. WHY DO YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS?? (you do it so well)



The way Kurt describes how much he wants to feed from Blaine… that just sent shivers down my spine. And how Blaine felt all exposed even through his layers of clothes? Perfect; he’s never felt more vulnerable and helpless and clothes are no barrier to what Kurt gets from him – he can SMELL and practically TASTE Blaine’s blood… no wonder he feels exposed. Creepily beautiful.

And then there’s Blaine’s realisation that Kurt wants to turn him… we’ve all been suspecting this a little but having the cold realisation of the words ACTUALLY COMING FROM KURT’S MOUTH in his creepy yet perfect way is just.. umf. And I can’t help but feel sorry for Blaine for the fact now he’s spent all this time being terrified of death, running from death, and as soon as he begins to accept the truth, it’s suddenly all snatched away from him and he’s shoved into a situation worse than death… In such a short space of time he changes from fighting for his life to asking for his death… the things you are doing to me.

And then Blaine stops moving and surrenders and IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER

*shoot I’ve run out of room… I’ll have to leave a second comment*
potatostabber
Nov. 16th, 2011 04:13 pm (UTC)
*carried on from previous comment*

BUT WAIT. What’s this? A barrier? AFSDKASLHFGS;SD



Blaine you went through a doorway you wonderful wonderful person!!

Kurt’s furious screams… oh my gosh I was terrified FOR Blaine and then he’s out out out and safe because Kurt can’t follow him because it’s daytime but you KNOW that Kurt is just madder than he has EVER been and my mind is just MELTING.

Jack. Oh Jack and Blaine has no way of contacting you… it’s not like he can even leave a note anywhere because Kurt would find it, and the bookshop definitely isn’t safe anymore… This nearly had me sobbing.



‘Everything is his fucking fault’, ‘Blaine just can’t fucking do this anymore’, ‘why can’t he just breathe?’ Oh Blaine you poor thing I just want to wrap my arms around you and cry with you yelling THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT. Oh Blaine Blaine Blaine..



Seriously this chapter is KILLING me. I don’t even know what to THINK. I feel just like Blaine in that he needs to run run run from Kurt and his non-humanity evilness BUT AT THE SAME TIME feel hopelessly drawn towards him because he is just so freakishly gorgeous in his horrifying ways. Ugh you are just too perfect.

On to the next part!!!


emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:51 am (UTC)
I’m so excited to read your massive comment!!! :D :D :D I’m so sorry for the long wait, though, love! It’s been very busy for me at school lately, and I’ve only just made myself sit down and determinedly finish responding to the ones from chapter six. Thank you a million for your patience! Glad to blow your mind, ahee. <3 (You actually screamed?? XD Oh my gosh, aha, that’s amazing!)

Okay seriously thank you so much for picking out that line. *freaks out* It’s one of my favourites from the chapter, and I’m so glad that someone else liked it. I really try my best to include very human reactions to these absurd, unthinkable situations: it’s always interesting to me that characters in stories often respond so calmly and logically to situations, because I don’t. I, like, freak out and say the wrong things and flutter like a bird and make mistakes, and I think it’s relatable to bring that into fiction. Thank you SO MUCH, I’m so glad this was able to hit you so strongly.

And oh my god, you highlighted Kurt’s eyebrows, I LOVE YOU. The curtains would have been a wonderful idea... if he could get there in time. D: Kurt is definitely all of those things. (And oh, yes indeed. I’d say that Kurt wants all those things. Oh, Blaine...) I really like how you highlight how it’s almost as though Kurt’s talking to a child, because I think that’s very important: he is talking to an entity that he clearly feels isn’t on the same level as himself. It definitely shows a lot about how Kurt thinks of Blaine’s humanity, I think. *nodnod* You’re very right, too, that all of the hope Blaine ever had was a complete illusion: it never existed. This was always going to happen; it was only a matter of time. (Sorry for playing with your emotions, bb!! <3 Blaine’s emotions have been very played-with as well, for sure.)

The idea of public/private spaces and vampires is one that’s so interesting to me!! It’s the same reason that Kurt could enter Blaine’s apartment hallway, but not his actual apartment: one is a public space, the other is a private space. They’re different, and it impacts how things happen here. <3 Glad you liked that! I love how you highlight Blaine’s vulnerability, too: there’s no real barrier between them, now. Nothing of substance: clothes are no real restriction, they may as well not matter. He’s utterly vulnerable here. Kurt’s so close, and there’s nothing stopping him.

And oh, yes: Kurt’s intentions have been very, very much about turning Blaine from the very beginning. The only person they were ever really a secret from is Blaine himself, and that’s only because he was so determined NOT to think about it. But it’s very different to suspect versus having it spoken by Kurt himself, you’re so right. And suddenly, it’s all about something other than death. Death would be easy, compared to this. Simple, and conclusive. Everything he thought he was running from has been turned upside down. ;__;

BUT THEN HE WENT THROUGH THE DOORWAY BAHAHAHAHAHA. :D I was surprised that more people didn’t notice that, aheeee! But glad. <3 Also, aksdjhjakshdkhasd angry Kurt. Oh god, I think it’s always tremendously frightening when an antagonist who has been SO in control of everything encounters something that makes him LOSE. HIS. SHIT. And oh, yes, he was definitely madder than ever after that. Have Blaine snatched out from right under his nose? Kurt was PISSED. And there’s no way for Blaine to contact Jack, either. Blaine is definitely in SUCH a bad position, gahhhhh!

Thank you SO very much for your incredible feedback, hon!!! I can’t even convey how happy you’re comments are making me to read, thank you so much. <3 Sorry for the long wait on a response, but rest assured that I LOVE reading your responses SO much! I can’t even convey it, aha. <3 *hughughug*
neffervescent
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:15 am (UTC)
Oh my god.
Someone is going to have to revive me tomorrow. That's the only foreseeable outcome of this.

You don't understand. I've just been curled up in front of my laptop for the better part of four hours absolutely tearing through this fic. And I keep having to stop and take a breath and flail a little bit (my roommate must think I'm absolutely fucking insane at this point) because I just can't handle it. I've had knots in my stomach since chapter three, and I am slowly losing the ability to function. I can't.

It's all so haunting and visceral and absolutely disgusting. And Kurt is. Kurt is. I don't even know. He's a monster and I get literal shivers down my spine.

God, I don't even like the vampire genre, okay? But this fic. I can't even. I just. Damnit. I told you I was going to make a coherent comment but obviously that was a lie, and there are definitely so many technical aspects of this that I could praise and pick apart but frankly I can't really manage to form sentences right now so fuck you.
neffervescent
Nov. 17th, 2011 05:18 am (UTC)
also, I'm not really sure how appropriate this comment is, but at this point, if I were Blaine I would seriously be considering suicide. Just. It seems like to only way to escape, yeah?
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:54 am (UTC)
Gahhh, thank you so very much, honey. *revives you now just in case*

Oh my GOODNESS, you binged it!! :O That's amazing, oh my gosh, that must have taken so long and been quite the ride! I'm so happy it was able to keep you enthralled, hon, I can't even say. asjdhkjashdkjahskdhas I can't even convey how flaily this makes me, oh my goodness!

It's all so haunting and visceral and absolutely disgusting. And Kurt is. Kurt is. I don't even know. He's a monster and I get literal shivers down my spine. <-- YOU ARE SO KIND I CANNOT EVEN. THANK YOU!!!!

You know what's funny? I don't even like the vampire genre either, for the most part! I mean... I don't read vampire fiction, really. It's very strange that my longest story ever is one huge vampire story, let me tell you! But I'm beyond delighted that you're enjoying it so much, I cannot even!! Thank you SO MUCH, hon!!

(Your suicide comment is also very, very appropriate, as you now know from reading the second half. *nodnod*)
transsocialist
Nov. 17th, 2011 09:35 am (UTC)
I'm not going to lie; I've been procrastinating reading this because then I know I have to wait for chapter seven. But now I can't help myself.
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:54 am (UTC)
I'm so happy you think it's something worthy of savouring. <3
amordemealma
Nov. 21st, 2011 07:28 pm (UTC)
Okay, before I even start reading, I have to apologize for taking so damn long to getting around to reading this! I just never seem to have enough time or the energy to sit down and dedicate the time it takes to properly read and respond. But I have a day off today so I'm doing this. and then hopefully, I'll still have some time to dedicate to writing my own fic which is getting ridiculously long for me and seems to be getting know where. this is why I don't write long fics. it takes too much patience. ;) I admire you for that.

Amita’s body in pieces behind him, everything that made her special and human and alive gone and only hunks of meat and bone left I love how graphic you are and don't shy away from the gory details. if this was a movie, I'd be hiding my eyes or looking over at my BFF going "why did you drag me to see this? Why?" but it's not a movie, it's your frickin amazing writing, so I'm totally loving it.

But Blaine has only taken one step forward, breath caught in his throat and arm extended out towards his only hope when Kurt cocks his head to one side — and lets out a high, delighted chime of laughter. I don't know why, but i get the impression that Blaine, while he thinks he's rushing is actually moving in slow motion. Not just in Kurt's eyes, but actually moving slower than he thinks. I think it's has to do with that outstretched arm when he's not even remotely close to the curtains yet. Way to give the game away Blaine.

That bit about Kurt drinking in all of Blaine and Blaine not even being able to put on a front, looking completely terrified...I may be reading into this, but is that part of the appeal to Kurt? not just that he has Blaine finally in front of him, but that he's there and he's terrified. Like he's drunk off of both Blaine's physical presence in front of him (finally getting to see him after so long) and the power he has over Blaine. He knows he's going to get what he wants because Blaine is so terrified that he doesn't have the mental presence to be clever enough to get out of this. So him being terrified works in Kurt's favor, therefore it's that much more sweet for him to see Blaine terrified in front of him. I see Kurt as a creature that gets off on the fear that he instills in people.

Kurt had already known. How long did Kurt actually know? I figure it was Blaine's sent that Gave him away. Kurt seems like the type that would spend the nights tracking down his sent and going to the places that Blaine went that day, just to i don't know, share that day with him. Imagine where he's been, what he did. If that's the case did Kurt Know from the very first meeting with Amita? Found a different sent that didn't make sense, new and threatening some how? and if that was the case, why did he wait so long to act? or did he want Blaine to feel like he had a chance at winning? Did he want to give Blaine that False sense of security?

YES! YES YES YES YES YES! I knew it! Blaine's gonna be a vamp! I fucking knew it! and thank you. that's all i ever wanted. i kinda figured, actually, that since you'd been so silent on this fact (i don't know how many times I and others have brought up Kurt wanting to change Blaine and not kill him, and we got no answer in return). I imagine you sitting at your computer, reading our comments and being like, 'wait, just wait' smiling a secret and evil little smile as we begged for Kurt to turn Blaine into a vamp. now, don't dangle this glorious tidbit in front of us and make Blaine go all BAMF on us and actually kill Kurt before he can become a vamp and be Kurt's vampire soul mate. cause I think I will like you a little bit less if that were the case. Even in Vampire Horror stories, I need my Klaine Endgame. i just do.
amordemealma
Nov. 21st, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)
You’re mine, Blaine, since the first moment I saw you. Now, and forever, and always. Oh God, this is so fabulous. Because Kurt in his twisted mind sees this great love story between them. It's so cut and clear, and Blaine, Blaine just sees this horror story unfolding in front of him. different from what he perceived it before, but Kurt's words, meant to be comforting I suspect are even more terrifying than the thought that he's just going to die. Because dying is one thing. Losing your humanity and everything that makes you you is something else entirely. I also imagine that the subconscious part of him that is in love with Kurt is screaming for joy, but it's being drowned out by all the other parts of him that are so terrified and horrified

Oh my God, now I just really, really, really want a dream sequence now where Blaine sees Him and Kurt together and in love, not as Blaine the human and Kurt the vamp, or both in Human Form, but where they're both Vampires and they're together and having rough hot passionate vampire sex and that's what makes Blaine finally give up and give himself to Kurt because he can't fight what his body craves for any longer. but, you know, You're the author. Right now it doesn't even look like Blaine's going to get out of the bookshop. So you know. it's just my own imagination getting the better of me, and you know how I love those dream sequences

okay two things. First I wrote that paragraph about Blaine seeing being turned as worse than being Killed before I read your paragraphs about that...(I think I've officially read too much of your work that I've started to be able to correctly predict your thought processes for these characters. that or we're just really similar in our ways of thinking)

Second. Kurt calling Blaine Sweetheart. gave me chills. mainly because my personal headcannon is that Sweetheart is what Blaine calls Kurt, so to see that turned on its head and Vampire Kurt calling Blaine that is unnerving. also although Kurt has called him many pet names before, this seems the most personal. it's not pretty or beautiful which can come off as patronizing, but it's sweetheart. it's a true endearment. it seems softer, loving almost, where the others just seem like describing words meant to get under Blaine's skin. this feels like he's trying to convince Blaine of his love.

Oh My God! Emiliana you are so brilliant! First, that moment where Blaine just Gives up and then Kurt going to take him but the barrier! Blaine Entered Amita's house didn't he? He's in a private home and Kurt can't get in. Storage room my ass. you tricky devil you. I can still have that Vamp dream after all! hehe. Please? No? okay. fine. *goes off and pouts*

Is it weird that my heart is breaking for Kurt right now? like I'm happy for Blaine that he's found himself shelter once again, but Poor Kurt is completely torn up right now. Cause he was finally going to get what he's dreamed about for months now just for it to be torn away. I can imagine that his heart (if vamps have such a thing) is breaking right now at this unfortunate (for him)turn of events. Poor Kurt.

Okay, Blaine is safe, But Kurt is infuriated right now, and he made a threat - If you run away from me, I swear to god. What's Kurt going to do to punish Blaine? what horror is going to be unleashed on the world because Kurt had his treasure ripped from him, and because Blaine didn't listen to Kurt's words? oh god *sobs*

it's lucky that Blaine had his cash and keys on him and not in his bag that he left back that the shop... ;)

I was wondering if Blaine had a way of warning Jack...I guess not. that kind of makes me sad, cause I loved Jack, but i can see why you did it, because I think you need Blaine to hit that rock bottom point to move the story ahead, and I believe you've convincingly done that.

those last few paragraphs broke my heart. they were just so beautifully written, and Poor Blaine has completely given up now hasn't he? he can't even leave his apartment to get food because he realizes that even that is not safe.

now, on to the next part! and a vamp Blaine, vamp Kurt dream pretty please?I want that dream damn it!
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 02:59 am (UTC)
I am finally responding to your comments way back on Chapter Six!!! :D I’m so sorry for the long wait! Curse you, real life! *shakes fist* Thank you so much for your patience, hon! Haha, don’t worry about taking a long time to get around to reading if I take SO LONG to get around to responding! I’m honoured that you feel you have to sit down and dedicate time to read and respond to this, aha. <3 How long is your fic getting, bb? This one just hit 90,000 words, can you believe it? O_O My longest story ever!

Gory details, auuuuugh, very much so. This is one of those places where I’m glad this fic has a million warnings on it. I would have a hard time watching it as a movie, too! This fic would have to have Game of Thrones-esque violence as a movie, omg.

I think you’re probably quite right about Blaine’s speed in this, too. His perception of the world is very much fucked up and distorted, and he’s acting in a complete haze. (It’s always so interesting to me that characters in stories always respond so logically and rationally all the time, because I would fuck up SO MUCH if I was in such a stressful position. I like including Blaine’s absolute panic, and how it impacts his actions. Definitely giving the game away!) I think that you’re definitely right to an extent about Kurt enjoying Blaine’s terror, too. It means that he’s getting to Blaine; it’s obvious how very much under Blaine’s skin Kurt is, by that point. The terror must smell good to him, too, in a purely physical way. Although I do think that, past a certain point, Kurt just wants Blaine to stop being scared. To just accept it and move on, not really realizing that Blaine can’t. It gets Kurt off that people are scared of him, but I don’t know if he necessarily wants Blaine in particular to be always scared of him. Remember, in the beginning, Kurt was planning to turn him with candles and flowers. With romance.

Kurt seems like the type that would spend the nights tracking down his sent and going to the places that Blaine went that day <-- definitely this, I think. Kurt’s known for ages exactly where Blaine’s been going. It’s creepy and stalkerish and awful, but... it’s vampire!Kurt. That’s him all over. But as to WHY he waited so long? It’s covered a bit more later in this chapter, but the phrase Kurt uses is ‘let you get it all out of your system’.

Aha, yes! The fact that Kurt’s wanted to turn Blaine since the very beginning really hasn’t been kept a secret from anyone except Blaine, and that’s only because of Blaine’s truly incredible ability for not seeing something if he doesn’t want to. (Just like with Kurt’s feelings for him in ‘Silly Love Songs’.) It’s amusing to me, because it was never supposed to be a secret from the readers! And then people started second-guessing, and I was like, “... oh! Okay, why not? I’ll not say anything. :3” haha.

I imagine you sitting at your computer, reading our comments and being like, 'wait, just wait' smiling a secret and evil little smile as we begged for Kurt to turn Blaine into a vamp. <-- accurate. ;D

Because Kurt in his twisted mind sees this great love story between them. <-- I think this is a very accurate comment! To Kurt, it’s really just a matter of time before Blaine sees things his way: he’s going to be Kurt’s eventually, after all. Blaine’s been his since the moment he smelled him, and nothing can change that. But for Blaine? This is the most fucking terrifying concept he’s ever encountered. Everything he thought was true isn’t, and it’s all so wrong, all so awful. So much worse than dying. To Kurt, those words are comforting: to Blaine, they’re worse than a death sentence. Also, your shameless shipping makes me grin, heeheee.
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 02:59 am (UTC)
Mmm, it’s interesting how invested you get in certain scenarios to the point where you really believe they’re going to happen. I think I know how published authors feel, haha! With people being upset when the scenario they think is going to happen doesn’t. XD Doesn’t quite pan out that way, but I hope you enjoy the direction it took.

Haha, you’re becoming Emiliana-prophetic! XD But only in some ways, haha.

‘Sweetheart’ is definitely a very, very different term than Kurt has been using lately, isn’t it? Much more affectionate; much more humanizing than ‘pretty thing’. I love how you note that his other pet names can be patronizing, because YES. VERY MUCH YES. I think the shift in names definitely says a lot.

Hahaha!! XD I was so surprised that more people didn’t expect the apartment/private space twist! Heeeee, I’m glad I was able to catch a few people off guard! I am indeed a tricky devil. :3 No vampire dream, though, dear.

“Torn up” is an interesting way to describe Kurt right then. I might go for “motherfucking furious”, though, before anything else. He is fucking pissed, as we’ll see. Mmmm, it’s so interesting reading this from before you knew what the threat was going to be! (Also, haha, we saw in Chapter Two that Blaine keeps his keys in his pocket. ;D No surprise there!)

Also, thank you so so very much. <3 I’m so happy this chapter was effective for you! Thank you for the long feedback, and now on to part two for me as well!

NO VAMPIRE DREAM. Sorry, hon, I’ve been planning the direction the story goes since the very beginning. No vampire dream to be had. I have something else in store...
amordemealma
Nov. 27th, 2011 04:54 am (UTC)
Curse you real life is right...well, that and the fact that you have like 500 followers that all comment. I can imagine it gets overwhelming sometimes to find your inbox spammed with comments. and wonderful. I would kill for that kind of coverage

My fic...that's kind of hard to answer. Because my word count says that it's sitting at 28,000 words (that in and of itself is twice as long as any story I've written and posted yet) but...The majority of it is in bullet points. That's right. It's all in outline form. And I thought that that would make it easier to write in the long run, but then things happen like the other day I started writing on chapter three, and I was finding part of it feeling forced, like the only reason I was writing that section was to keep my POV pattern, and I would scrap it all together, but I really actually kind of want some of the information that would surface there to be present and known to my readers, and I don't know where else to put it. So then I tabled that section while I sat on it and started writing the next section and was still wondering if I should scrap the first section and if I did that, where would I put the POV break? So I wrote that section twice, in both POV's. But then I was reading over my notes which I largely ignored because I thought I remembered generally what I wanted, but realized that I completely changed the tone. Which wouldn't be a problem except that I really liked the idea of the tone I had in my notes. Indecision hit and I ended up writing that section 2 more times, with the new tone in 2 povs. So now I have 4 different versions of part of chapter three which I can't decide between. I think I'm going to send all three to my beta Callmerayray and make her choose. :)

needless to say this is a long process. :)and that's just chapter three. There's 18 chapters to go. Ahhhh!

I do want to start posting soon. Hopefully comments will motivate me to write more.

90,000 words? :O oh my goodness. I can't even...This is why I hate calling your story a story. Because you're writing a frickin novel.

I have to say though...If your fic was a movie? I'd see it. Cause obviously Chris Colfer and Darren Criss would be Kurt and Blaine. And I have most definitely gone to see movies just for the actors. hence why I've sat in many a movie looking over at BFF Callmerayray going 'why did you make me see this?' her response is usually something along the lines of 'but the pretty!'

I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed in not getting my dream sequence per say...because what follows is totally epic in it's own right, and it made me bawl and I loved every minute of it. Enough that I am satisfied without it. though there's still a tiny part of me that wants to know how that dream sequence would turn out.

also, with that whole names thing and sweetheart being more intimate...now that I have the foresight of chapter 7...sweetheart was really just a precursor wasn't it? Because now Kurt's saying Blaine's name, but not just as a name. His name itself has kind of become an endearment. Dripping off his lips and whispered in the most intimate moments. If sweetheart felt intimate, Blaine's name 10x more so.
chazzamba
Nov. 21st, 2011 11:42 pm (UTC)
With each passing section, I am less and less able to leave coherent reviews. I am so worried about Jack, so hurting for Blaine, and still wondering if you'll go dark enough to actually let Kurt turn Blaine, which is really kind of what I want. Because I'm apparently such a die-hard Klainer that I want their love to transcend not just death and lifetimes but all semblances of morality as well. I'm such a twisted romantic.
emilianadarling
Nov. 27th, 2011 03:01 am (UTC)
Gah, oh my goodness, thank you so very much. <3 (As always, it's so nice to see you over 'round these parts, I can't even say!!) I'm so glad that you're enjoying this, and I promise that lack of coherency is a compliment!!

Because I'm apparently such a die-hard Klainer that I want their love to transcend not just death and lifetimes but all semblances of morality as well. <-- I'd say this isn't an uncommon sentiment, darlin'. ;) I'm pretty die-hard as well.

Thanks so much!
dareu2beme
Mar. 10th, 2012 11:15 pm (UTC)
When I'm reading this story, Santana's "Black Magic Woman" plays in my head... random info!


So... I have nothing coherent and useful to say in response to this chapter or the ones before it. I have to tell you that I avoid vampire related fanfics like the plague because, in my opinion, Twilight (and such) have ruined vampire culture or whatever. I'm not even into the 'vampire culture' or whatever, and yet, I feel like it has been ruined. My husband loves vampire stuff, though. BAH, I want to be 'politically correct' or whatever in how i word that, but I've never been one to phrase things in ways that don't offend half the people in the room.. anyway, what I am trying to say is.. this story... wins... no stupid teenaged, sparkly, lovely vampire shit to be found... it's all just deviously perfect.
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